6 Things Nigerians Really Need To Stop Saying

I find it necessary to say this because I realized that after my last post, there was a debate on whether my views were legit or just me being a troll. See the thing is yeah, I’m different. I lay out my scenarios and allow you decide what’s real and what’s not – the goal is to make you think about it while keeping you entertained. Truth is sha that, I’m a cocktail of both ends of the stick – the real and downright ridiculous.

If you can tell when I’m serious or not without me informing you, then I’ve lost a key ingredient of my writing.

OK, that out of the way, what shall we be discussing by the numbers today?

How about things Nigerians love to say.

There are a million ways to communicate but Nigerians are the “worst” when it comes to some cliché things we say to ourselves. I’ll paint the scenarios and I’m pretty sure, you’ll agree with me that these are things Nigerians need to stop saying to each other.

1. ‘E Go Better’

You’re sitting down in front of your house, weeping and gnashing your teeth, kelebe majestically sliding down your cheek and your main guy comes to sit beside you. After you share the story of how your babe left you for that yahoo-yahoo guy in your class and how she took 3 of your best 4 T-shirts with, he just says “Chai. E go better!”

My fellow Nigerians, look, it’s really not that serious. If you really have no words to say, it’s OK to be quiet and just shake your head. “E go better” isn’t an assurance of better to come, it a lazy man’s way of saying “ogbeni, I have my own problems, I don’t know what to tell you but I know you want me to say something so yeah, take this standard issue ‘e go better’ and manage yourself.”

Besides…

…Sometimes saying e go better just makes things worse

2. ‘Where is our husband?’

This one is mostly common with the women. So you’ve been schooling in the overs for a bit, graduation is done and you move back to Naij where you now work and earn quite good. You’re living your life jejely. You invite your family over for a weekend lunch, your aunties come also and after all the pleasantries, they ask “So when are we meeting him?” or “So where is our husband?”

That’s how dinner has turned into interrogation session just like that.

MAKA WHY?

Somewhere in the minds of these people, the standard progression is

Go to school> Graduate > Marry.

Getting a job is even optional. My challenge with this is why y’all gotta put on the pressure? Can’t y’all let someone live a little? And even if the babe is dating someone, what if it’s not going well? Or they just broke up? That can hurt even to think about, much less discuss. And even if it is going well but the guy has not proposed or it’s not at that stage of meeting family yet, what should she now say? This is just an unnecessary question. Nigerians, please chill and lay back a bit maybe?

3. ‘Is It Your Money?’

You’re arguing with someone about a mutual interest… like poetry or fiction or some shit. He tells you that his sister just bought 500 copies of Fifty Shades of Grey you tell him that is actually a shit book (it is damn pretty terrible). You begin to discuss what constitutes literary quality and after a while, you’re winning and he really wants to shut you down. What route to take? What shot to fire? He finally says “Abeg abeg, is it your money? Shebi the book is sha selling?” My dear Nigerian, IS. THAT. THE. POINT? Can’t we discuss things objectively? Money does not equal quality but with Nigerians it always seems to come down to finances at the end and this is quite trifling and very meh tbh. Stop, just stop.

4. ‘It’s Like You Have Added Weight’

It’s been a long time you’ve seen this person. Y’all suddenly jam at the airport and after the “heyyys” and hugs, you pull apart from each other, look and then say “ahn ahn, you’ve added weight o!” Please who made you officer in charge of weight increment? What if the person is suffering a serious medical condition or pregnant? Why remind them. Nigerians, why you gotta comment on someone’s weight? Don’t you know it’s a heavy emotional load to bear? Even if the person looks like he/she has just eaten Asari Dokubo, just allow them. You don’t gotta be CNN about it.

And if you like continue doing it o…

5. ‘So When Are You Having Children?’

You’re married for say a year plus and your fam comes visiting. After a nice meal (yes it’s like these people love your food), one random aunty that doesn’t know how to use the hole in her face correctly goes “Ehen, so when are we going to have little *insert husband’s name here* running around?

Is this what you want, Nigerians? *In gladiator voice* Are you not entertained? Are you not entertained? Is this not why you are here?

And it’s not just family, even random strangers think that you once you are married, you must start to drop babies like they are hot, like they are booty, like they are soap. Hian. What if the couple is trying to have kids but can’t? Asking them that question is both humiliating and painful. Also what if you’ve decided you don’t want kids? Or if you’ve decided to hold off on kids for a while to focus on your career? It is just going to become an ugly argument. In fact, if you want to give aunty-random-mouth-leak an instant heart attack, tell her you’ve decided to adopt. Watch her eyes double while her mouth gets attracted to the floor. Nigerians, some couples just wanna have fun, allow them.

6. ‘Ah! Our Wife (Or Iyawo)!’

This one is too common with men. Let’s say you’ve been dating this guy for 6 months so you decide it’s time to cook some Ugwu for your boo. You go to his place, tie wra
pper and get your girlfriend on. His friends are around so you make the homies some too (But you sha still put the biggest meat for your boo)

You serve it, they enjoy it, next thing they start calling you “Our Wife!” or “Our Iyawo!”

OUR WIFE.

OUR.

WIFE.

Nigerians, please stop it. As short as this comment is, there are too many things wrong with it.

• There is no ‘we’ in the relationship, it’s only you and your boo.
• There is no ring on your finger. You are no one’s wife. Yet.
• This statement puts unnecessary pressure on both you and the guy.
• They probably said the same thing to his sidechick that made indomie and egg yesterday.

Cooking for a boyfriend/girlfriend is a favour, Nigerians, can we just not make it awkward by saying nonsense, please?

So yeah, there are clearly some more annoying things we say all the time. Things like “Na my last card be this” when your guy asks you for N100, and “It doesn’t even fit her” when you see a girl wearing the same outfit you are. Or how you automatically say “Ehen, there’s this pain I feel in my *insert body part*”, whenever you meet someone who tells you he/she’s a doctor.

I’m not saying we have a problem, just bringing to the fore some things we say and why maybe we should stop saying them. I’m sure there are some other common ones I’ve left out, please share with us and thanks for reading :)